Words that should be banned: Frankenmuzak

Muzak, that familiar synthetic replacement for the real thing, most often enters our lives in elevators or while we wait on hold for a customer service representative. Christmas jingles, on the other hand, start off with the best of intentions, but after years of over-play end up relegated to the playlists of big-box stores.

On their own, either of these constitutes an irritation, much like the evening mosquito in the tent on the camping trip. You try and swat it away but you know that another will return in moments to suck your blood.

But when Muzak and the Christmas jingle are combined, a potent and dangerous mutation is formed: Frankenmuzak. An examble of Frankenmuzak would be Jingle Bells in the style of Muzak.

This typist wonders if there is a human being alive who hears a Frankenmuzak version of Jingle Bells and thinks "Oh, what a nice tune. I think I'll dash out to buy more products and services!" And more to the point, is there a human alive who hears Frankenmuzak and doesn't want to commit a random act of vandalism against a Christmas elf, talking tree or the red nose of a reindeer?

Let us save the Christmas elves, talking trees and red noses of the reindeer and ban Frankenmuzak. The world will be a better place and Christmas a happier time for one and all.