New Gifted Typist site is launched

Bad news:

http://giftedtypist.blogspot.com is coming to an end



Good news:

http://giftedtypist.com is born. Come and see.

Final clue

giftedtypist

+

+

com

=

???????

(All is revealed tomorrow)

Seal protest staged in London

Members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) staged a demonstration today in front of Canada House in Trafalgar Square in Central London. The pictures are a Gifted Typist exclusive, taken by GT's newly appointed Chief London Correspondent.

Words that should be banned: Delusional Calgaria

Yes, the Delusional Calgaria campaign to get Nova Scotians back home is cute and funny. Yes, Nova Scotians have a good sense of humour, a great lifestyle, cheaper rentals, smaller traffic jams and a kinder gentler pace of life.

But the cute campaign by Rodney MacDonald's Nova Scotia government misses the point. It confuses the build-it-and-they-will-come philosophy with a build-a-website-and-make-everyone-think-they-will-come approach.

Sure the cute campaign is getting publicity. But to what end? What, Rodney, do you suppose all these ex-pat Nova Scotians are going to come back to? Jobs in call centres? Retail? Fast food? Perhaps they can work on Delusional Calgaria websites.

The Delusional Calgaria campaign doesn't insult Calgary or Calgarians. It insults the battery Nova Scotians who left - often against their will - to pursue work and opportunities.

Most of them didn't want to abandon all the great things in Nova Scotia. They left to get good paying jobs and to get them quickly so they can pay off student debt among other things. They left for an enterprise culture that will produce opportunities and skills, the things they need to build their future.

If anyone looks delusional here, it is the government of Nova Scotia for making such a ludicrous pitch. If you build it, they will come. But if you just say it, they will not. And who could blame them?

A Monty Python take on IEDs

Here is TagBagger's Pythonesque take on IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) which we banned in the previous post. Cynical? Or just calling a bomb a bomb. It was pulled out of GT comments.

1)The 'good guys' use REAL 'Bombs' - only evil terrorists use IED's - because they are the bad guys

2)They are also bad guys because they refuse to fight fair by the definition of the "Coalition' occupying armies - this is very bad, and shows a weak moral war compass.

3)The media uses IED, because it sounds cool, and shows that they appreciate the briefings they get from the good guys. They demonstrate their gratitude by turning off their camera as the Governor General is toured through the army vehicles that have been damaged by the 'bad evil guys' IED's - if they didn't, one might begin to wonder just who is good, and who is bad - which is a slippery slope.

Remember kids - Bombs=Good (esp. the new smart bombs that only kill bad guys and women and children who will at some point in the future become bad guys for sure)

IED's=Bad - unfair evil war cheating terrorists heroically fighting the Western occupying armies in their own country... (Oh wait, I'm getting confused here) Bombs=Good, IED's=Bad, UsGood, ThemBad - always remember kids - the 'Other' is always bad.

Words that should be banned: IED

Why can't we just call a bomb a bomb?

Sure, there are different types of bombs. There are big bombs, little bombs, fertilizer bombs, smart bombs, pipe bombs, incendiary bombs, doodlebug bombs, cluster bombs, nail bombs, roadside bombs and bath bombs.

IED is military nomenclature for "improvised explosive device."
Why don't they just say homemade bomb?

And why do does the media use this lingo? It's fine for an organization like the military to have its jargon, but if the terminology doesn't enhance our understanding, then why use it? Just because we can?

IED? Sounds like IUD - Intra Uterine Device - not a roadside bomb.
It also sounds like WMD, a little-roll-off-the-tongue device picked up by media hungry for war ratings in another time and place.

Let's ban IED and keep the communication real and honest.

It's a hint of things to come

Coming soon!

To a computer near you. More later.

Favourite transvestite quote

Most transvestites are just regular guys , who occasionally like to eat, drink and be Mary

- Joe Joseph
(Couldn't find anything on JJ. All I know is that he's British. Anyone with any further info?)

What is your FAQ?

Slacker answers her FAQs this week. Read here for answers to these and other questions:

1. Where do you stand on the organization Slobs without Borders?
2. Have you conquered your dust bunny problem?
3. What is your position on the male Speedo?
4. Do your beastly felines appreciate unreservedly everything you've done for them?

Typist goes AWOL

Due to a combination of circumstances, this typist went AWOL yesterday. This blog and its readers were completely ignored for the entire day with no explanation until now.

Early yesterday morning, one of the young typists was rushed to hospital with a mysterious and potentially serious condition. There were tests on blood, lymph nodes, mobility and other things. There were X-rays, radioactive isotopes swallowed and then gamma rays. There were doctors, specialists, nurses and nuclear (!) medicine technicians and nice people who came around to make sure we were comfortable. There were looks of concern from professionals and at times frightening body language.

And there were hours of waiting for results in small windowless rooms on a beautiful sunny spring day, a day the little typist should have been out playing because there was no school.

In the end, there was happiness and relief. The worst was ruled out. The little typist has a problem but he will be OK.

The keyboard also had a problem - water spilled on it by the other little typist. But that didn't rate yesterday. Nothing else rated yesterday.

Imglish lessons #6 - Personal ads

SWF* is a standard lingo in the world of personal ads IMglish, but personal ads are swimming in IMglishisms, some of which you may know, others you may not. It's important to understand this special IMglish dialect lest you don't find what you're looking for, or worse, you end up with something you weren't looking for.

B - Black, as in DBF (Divorced Black Female)

BBW - Big Beautiful Woman

plus-size and happy with herself

Bi - Bisexual

C - Christian, as in SWCM (Single White Christian Male)

D&S - Dominance and Submission

DDF - Drug and Disease Free

Fet - Fetish

FtM - Female-to-Male Transgendered

FWB - "Friends With Benefits"

(friends who have sex without romantic involvement or the expectation thereof)

*Single White Female

Words that should be banned: Rodney MacDonald

Not from the gymnasium, from the fiddle or from the step-dancing floor, but Rodney MacDonald should be banned from the playground of provincial politics.

This morning we had an episode of Rodney's Believe it or Not! featuring our premier on radio answering yet more questions on another cabinet minister's brush with police. Has our young step-dancing, fiddling-playing premier not learned the lessons of the Ernie Fage affair?

Meanwhile his province is trying to pick itself up again after the sucker punch dealt by Stephen Harper's budget. It presented Nova Scotia with a sort of Sophie's Choice for federal support: either give up the offshore accord that would allow this have-not province keep more oil and gas royalties, or receive less money in federal transfers.

For Rodney's Nova Scotia that means receiving $5 million less if the province opts to keep the accord negotiated with the Liberal government.

While Newfoundland's premier Danny Williams is spitting bullets and threatening fire and brimstone against Stephen Harper's Tories, Rodney comes out with a few flaccid comments about federal MPs having some explaining to do. And he won't even commit to a flaccid comment on campaigning against the federal Conservatives in the next election.

Rodney, your province has a $12.5 billion debt. It's bleeding workers, young people and taxpayers to Alberta. Its population is aging and needs hospitals, senior's homes and services. Its resource economy is in decline. And now it's getting kicked in the head by a Conservative Prime Minister who is doling out the dosh to the big provinces to buy his longed-for majority.

Even if you made it look as though you have a grasp on these problems, you might give us a reason not to ban you just yet. But alas, Rodney, you aren't even doing a good of pretending.

Let's ban Rodney MacDonald from Nova Scotia politics.
Let's get Danny Williams to Nova Scotia. Stat!

Winter gets the last laugh on first day of spring

Spring 2007 officially arrives 21 March 00:07 GMT.
That means it arrives 20 March at 9:07 pm in this part of the world.
By the looks of things, it would seem that Spring is real a joker. Ha ha ha

SS Atlantic remembered

These two roses* appear to be overlooking the scene of one of the worst marine disasters in Canadian history. They were found attached to a bench on the memorial boardwalk of the SS Atlantic in Lower Prospect. In the waters beyond, 546 of 975 passengers perished on the night of 1 April 1873 when the steamship Atlantic encountered a storm and struck an underwater rock off the Nova Scotia coast near Terrance Bay. Local residents, many of them fishermen, helped with the rescue. Just behind the boardwalk is the resting place for 277 of the victims.


*the roses were not real

Lobster feast

Here was the lobster feast that produced the odd crustacean Pushmepullyou. It was lobster on an Asian theme and it was every bit as mouth watering as it appears, possibly even better.

Favourite drugs quote

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

-Keith Richards, British musician

Vivre Le Clutter

For a brief moment last year, we thought there might be hope for the Back-to-Clutter Movement. Articles appeared in the newspaper talking about the importance of scattering personal things around the house. They even mentioned the C-word: Clutter! Finally, there was light at the end of the neat-tidy-sterile tunnel of home decorating.

But alas the Taste Titans and Style Dictators got to the Clutter People and had them snuffed them out. For more lamentations of a beleaguered clutter artist, read here.

Typist takes leave

The typist has left the stenopool for a few days to attend a typing convention.
Back on Sunday with a favourite quote.
ttfn (look it up in your IMglish dictionary).

Pushmepullyou lobster

A lobster feast resulted in this curious arrangement of crustacean carcasses. What would Dr. Dolittle think?

Bad translations #3 - bad trannies

Here are more bad trannies. Perhaps "trannies" is an ambiguous choice of word implying a man dressed as a woman. Maybe it is a bad translation for the word translation, but alas it has entered my wordscape and will not go away.

On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience we recommend courteous, effecient self-service.

In a Bangkok cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Hong Kong dress shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Imglish lessons #5 - if you're happy and know it

Sometimes you have have to tell your txt partner how you're feeling about things. This Imglishisms might help to convey happiness or something even better.

VBG very big grin
VEG very evil grin
WEG wicked evil grin
SFETE smiling from ear to ear
SETE smiling ear to ear
HHO1/2K ha ha only half kidding
HHOK ha ha only joking
HHOS ha ha only being serious

Words that should be banned: Commonwealth Games

Because enough is enough!

Yes, Nova Scotia has a black eye after the Commonwealth bid failure.

Yes, the political leadership here is spectacularly uninspired.

Yes, the Commonwealth bid committee sold us a bill of goods when they got us into the bid by saying the games would cost $500 million when in fact the number was closer to $1.7 billion.

Yes, the bid committee treated taxpayers like dupes rather than stakeholders.

Yes, Nova Scotia has an obesity problem and a shortage of recreational and athletic training facilities.

Yes, Nova Scotia is aging, facing population stagnation and out-migration, and unable to offer university graduates jobs that will sustain student loan payments.

Yes, Nova Scotia is anchored to the past, unwelcoming to new immigrants, resistant to change, and suspicious of the enterprise culture that will generate jobs, a bigger tax base and the population growth necessary to sustain our lifestyle.

Yes, Nova Scotia carries a $12.5 billion debt, the second highest per capita in Canada.

And yes, the Commonwealth Games bid has shone a bright light on these deficiencies.

It's all be said, so now let's stop beating ourselves up about the Commonwealth Games. Let's roll up our sleeves and do something about it other than hand wringing, gainsaying and finger pointing.

Let's save ourselves from ourselves and ban the word Commonwealth Games.

Words that should be banned: woo woo (!)

There is no question that a public performance of music is one of life's great pleasures, unless you happen to find yourself in vicinity of a "woo woo" artist.

You know the "woo woo" artist. This is an individual so taken with the pleasure of the moment, they channel their exaltation through the "woo woo."

This is a loud, often shrill expression produced by curling the mouth into an O-shape and forcing air from the lungs, across the larynx and out through the O-shaped mouth to make a long-winded, high-decibel and oft-repeated "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" sound.

Now, this typist does not mind a "woo" here or a "woo" there to express heightened appreciation and has on occasion used the "woo" to that end. It is not the "woo" or the "wooing" itself that causes ire, but rather compulsive use of the "woo woo" by a "woo woo" artist in close proximity.

The overuse of the "woo woo" belittles its power to appreciate. If you "woo" at everything, then you contribute to a situation of appreciation inflation. Too much "woo woo" renders an audience incapable of distinguishing the good from the very good, or the very good from the outstanding.

Why not intersperse the "woo woo" with other expressions of appreciation like Hooray!, or it's abbreviation "Yeah!." And then there are the variants: "Yippy" and "Yeee-haaaa" and "Yaa-hoo." (Although in the last instance we could be limited by copyright and trademark issues.) And what about the good old-fashioned hand clap? Has this ceased to be adequate in the age of the "woo woo."

While there is no direct evidence that the "woo woo" is a risk factor for vocabulary dysfunction, an over reliance of the "woo woo" may lead those in close proximity to the "woo woo" artist to speculate on vocabulary deficiencies.

By the end of the evening, close neighbours of the "woo woo" artist might wonder if the "woo woo" is not a device to seize attention away from the performing artist and re-direct it towards the "woo woo" artist him or herself.

It would not be a huge leap to conclude that the"woo woo" may in fact be motivated by a "look-at-me" imperative, which seems so contrary to the purpose of applauding a performer in the first place.

And so for these reasons the "woo woo" must be banned. If people abuse it, then they will have to lose it.

Favourite happiness quote

I can sympathise with people's pains, but not with their pleasure. There is something curiously boring about someone else's happiness.


-Aldous Huxley, British novelist

The irony of ironic

"It is tragically ironic." This is how Andrew Pipe, president of Commonwealth Games Canada responded to news that Halifax had dropped its bid for the games.

Ironic, Mr. Pipe?

Irony is a device to express an opposite meaning. A mini-van with flames of speed painted on the side is an example of visual irony. Dropping the games may be unexpected to Mr. Pipe. It may be disappointing. It may be shocking. But ironic it is not.

This is Morissettian, to use a term coined by Jon Winotur. It is in reference to Alanis Morissette's 90's hit song Ironic which described as "ironic" things that are actually disappointing, coincidental or just plain bad luck. (Rain on your wedding day is bad luck, not ironic; getting stuck in a traffic jam when you're late is frustrating, not ironic.)

But a song Called "Irony" that describes things that are un-ironic? Now that, Mr. Pipe, is irony.

There is also an argument to be made against his use of the word "tragic" to describe the dropping to the games bid, but we'll leave Mr. Pipe to contemplate his use of irony for now.

Sainthood to Begonia Girl

Up to her eyebrows in ice-crusted sludge after a March lion snow storm last weekend, Slacker's spirit was almost broken by the prospect of having to shovel it. But miracle of miracles along came Begonia Girl to the rescue with her snowblower and the day was saved.
Sainthood to Begonia Girl!
Read more here.

Typist on typing experiment

This typist will be guinea pigging (is this correct typing?) in a typing experiment this Saturday at Dalhousie University.

The idea is to make transparent and public the rather messy and undignified business of writing (or typing in the case of this typist) so that students can learn from the experience.

Six guinea pigs will be asked to squeeze themselves through the brutal sausage-making machine that is writing. Participants will be encouraged to speak aloud to give observing students insights into the writing (typing) process.

The experiment is called WHIPS - Write Here, in Plain Sight. It will take place at the Kenneth C. Rowe Management Building and the McCain Arts and Science Building Saturday, March 10, 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.

More cool frost

More cold weather; more frost. It's curious how similar these fractals are to ferns or evergreen trees. Perhaps our Chief Forestry Correspondent might have something to offer. Dick? For more frost bite(s) click here.

Bad translations #2

Tempted though I am, I won't re-name this series Bad Trannies as it might not go down so well in translation. So, here is your second crop of Bad Translations.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9&11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.