Things to ponder for 2007

This list comes from none other than GT's star commentator Dick:

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Good health is merely the slowest rate someone can die

8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich..

7. Give a person a fish net and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but laugh when they fall downstairs.

5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing

4. We all could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Today the world is so weird people take Prozac to make it normal.

1. AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions of cows in North America, but we haven't a clue where thousands terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of fighting terrorism.

Life is a bowl of cherries

Top fun buzzwords for 2006

Another word list from Buzzwhack

1. blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves.

2. death by tweakage: When a product or project fails due to unnecessary tinkering or too many last-minute revisions.

3. BMWs: Bitchers, Moaners and Whiners.

4. clockroaches: Employees who spend most of their day watching the clock - instead of doing their jobs

5. plutoed: To be unceremoniously dumped or relegated to a lower position without an adequate reason or explanation.

6. prairie dogging: A modern office phenomenon. Occurs when workers simultaneously pop their heads up out of their cubicles to see what's going on.

7. carbon-based error: Error caused by a human, not a computer (which we assume would be a silicon-based error).

8. menoporsche: Male menopause. Symptoms include a sudden lack of energy, crankiness and the overpowering urge to buy a Porsche.

9. adminisphere: The upper levels of management where big, impractical, and counterproductive decisions are made.

10. deja poo: The feeling that you've stepped in this bull before.

11. bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said.

12. ringtone rage: The violent response by cube mates after hearing your annoying cell phone ringtone for the 15th time.

13. muffin top: The unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight

Warm winter gets algae in mood

This typist is reliably informed by a phycologist that this algae is also being fooled by the wacky winter. It was spotted in an inland waterway on the South Shore of Nova Scotia early in January. Apparently algae should not be getting "in the mood" in January, but this bloom is showing reproductive signs such as its colour and swelling of pods which contain spores necessary for reproduction.

Favourite football fan quote

Show me a man who loves football and nine times out of ten you'll be pointing at a really bad shag

- Julie Burchill, British journalist

Words that should be banned: gash flash

We've all heard about it and some of us have seen it: Britney's gash flash. (If you want to see the the picture, you'll have to find it yourself.) Essentially, Britney Spears decided to go commando one evening and flashed herself to a salivating happy snappy paparazzi. The image was then posted to the Internet and everyone who wished to make a study of her external reproductive anatomy was free to do so.

This typist wonders what Britney will do next? Give us a fallopian flash? Or perhaps an ovarian reveal? We could have a cervix malfunction? And just think of what she could do with her uterus! I'm sure the PAParazzi could suggest more such re-pro reveals and mal-fos. It sort of makes the gash flash look dull.

Let's make the ultimate comment on gash flash and ignore completely. Let's not reward Britney for her boorish act. In fact, just just ban the word gash flash.
(thanks to Tagbagger for the tip)

Manifesto of feline ownership III

Today we explore, the issue of feline discipline and what to do if your feline jumps up on your lap while you are eating a piece of frosted cake. These thoughts are provided exclusively to the Gifted Typist by Mr. Thomas J. Baglin, philosopher and feline owner.

In the course of Discipline, the style, duration, and
force/pain the cat receives WILL initially cause the cat to know that its
behaviour is unacceptable. However, the cat has a sense of "fitting the
punishment TO the "Crime."

Cats do NOT have strong constitutions, and have a quicker equation to feeling threatened. Hence the ferociousness of its defense. The human, SUPPOSEDLY, the THINKING(?) animal(?), MUST establish the duration, and intensity of his application of force. He must ALSO be quick to note the slackening of the feline defense struggle. Cats are NOT known for long-duration fighting. Thus, when in the correcting of behaviour mode, the TIME and INTENSITY factor is critical to the future relationship.

Cats DO seem to "plot" revenge in many ways. Not the least of which is to jump onto your lap when you have a piece of frosted cake on plate in front of you. The Cat is getting its revenge, you can NOT discipline it if it goes into a loving mode. The cat has thoroughly confounded the issue for the human; and lies in a stately mood taking in all the human gyrations at getting the frosting off the clothing. CLASSIC case of MIS-DIRECTION of attention.

January? In Nova Scotia? Canada?

These shots were taken in Halifax, Nova Scotia on 11 January 2007. The typist who took the shots swears that Photoshop was not used to alter, enhance or advance the natural life cycle of these plants. It is the strange winter that has done this.

A rhododendron bud bursting into bloom?

Weeds blooming into flower?

Another shrub showing the it's first shoots of green?

Buds on trees?

More buds on trees?

Dick on birthdays

This comment from our Dick was too good to be buried in the comments. He always raises the tone of our discussions, and this, I find, keeps the Yard Apes in their place.

Why is it called a birthday anyway? It is
the anniversary of your birthday,
thus the French "anniversaire". We
only have one birthday, unless you want to
count 'born again' Christians.

When people congratulate you on your birth
anniversary, are they really congratulating your parents on a successful reproduction, or are they congratulating you for having survived as long as you have?

If it is the latter, it would only seem appropriate to offer
congrats at an age where the individual has a more self determined path (after you move out of the house?). If it is the former, it hardly seems appropriate congratulate someone else via their spawn simply because they
can reproduce. Maybe we are congratulating people for looking younger than they are (which I'm sure is the
case with GT).

Again, how can this apply to a five year old? I wish that all of your daysare happy. Let's not discuss your parents presumably nocturnal habits.

Happy 39th Birthday, Mum!

Even if your oldest typist is 44.

One of these is not like the others

These berries were the only sign of life in amongst the nude branches of a bush spotted in Hubbards, Nova Scotia. The berry in the middle appears to have seen better days.

Noun-to-verb word of the year: Plutoed

You've heard of noun-to-verb transformations such as impact to impacted, journal to journaling, scrapbook to scrapbooking.

Well, the American Dialect Society has chosen "Plutoed" as its word of the year for 2006. This noun-to-verb transformation occurred in 2006 when beleaguered Pluto was downgraded from planet to something less than a planet.

And thus we have the genesis of a new verb "Plutoed: to downgrade or demote." She Plutoed her boyfriend after catching him in flagrante delicto with another woman.

Runners up for the ADS word of the year were:

climate canary - something whose poor health indicates a looming environmental catastrophe.
flog - an advertisement disguised as a blog or web log
prohibited liquids - "fluids that cannot be transported by passengers on airplanes"
macaca - "an American citizen treated as an alien"

Babbling river

Nothing like fast-moving water crashing over rocks to inspire the imagination. This one was found during a Sunday walk in Hubbards on the South Shore of Nova Scotia. It was shot on an exposure of 1/13 sec. at f32.

Manifesto of feline ownership II

Here is the second part of our Manifesto. Here we humans are trying to show the feline who is boss when the feline is sinking fangs into human skin or using the human leg as a tree for climbing.

A cat that likes to sink the fangs into the skin when it
feels constricted. If this happens, a flick of the middle finger at the cat's nose will work, IF one is brave enough to take full measure at the feline retaliation.

When using the human leg for a "tree" to ascend, flicking
at the fore paws in a vigorous manner for a short, intense time, proves to the cat, that jumping is required to come up and lie on the same plane as its human companion.

Cats DO ADAPT. But, they DO have be TAUGHT.

This establishes two things:

A: that the behaviour is unacceptable to the
human.
B: That human retaliation is swift, sure, and telling. The cat is
merely

TESTING the limits of the human’s degree of pain, and ascertaining
the style opposition the human administers

Top 10 Gag-Me-With-A-Rototiller words of 2006

Here is a list of the most dreadful buzzwords of 2006 from Buzzwhack.
Thanks to WallyP.

1. leveraging our assets: The ultimate DUH in business. Every company attempts to leverage its assets. It only makes sense that companies put their resources, whether it's money, location or talent, to best use in order to make a profit?

2. mission-critical: Another sign that too many people in today's business world have read too many Tom Clancy books. What's wrong with the word "essential"?

3. conversate: To have a conversation. Created by those who (for some bizarre reason) don't think "converse" or "talk" are adequate.

4. information touchpoint: Any contact in which information is shared or transferred. Yes, meetings are information touchpoints.

5. synopsize: To condense the details of a boring, two-hour meeting into a briefer - yet still as boring - version.

6. electronify: The process of turning paper-based data into electronic or digital form.

7. price-optimized: Something sold as cheap as possible, particularly a stripped-down version of a previously successful, but expensive product. However, the price-optimized version is likely to have more flash and less substance.

8. targeted completion date: A comforting term that gives the impression a project will be finished by a certain date (but everyone involved knows there's no chance in hell of it happening).

9. surgerize: To have surgery. "Her face had been surgerized."

10. relanguage: Term used by $300-an-hour consultants when $1 words, such as reword, rephrase or rewrite, would work just as well. "I think we can relanguage that to be more effective."

Red dawn II

The importance of being (a) Dick

Given the uproar our Where are you Dick? post has created, the GT has decided to post this comment from the Man himself who has made a splash with his return after a three week absence.

I can't help but feel partially responsible for the indecent path which
this blog is following. Having been a Dick for the past 30 odd years gives me a special appreciation of the issue. Please believe me when I say I have heard it all. It has even made it into mainstream advertizing for MADD, "Be a Dick, don't drink and drive".

My father in law, rest in peace, came from Germany and told me
that Dick (probably spelled differently) was their slang for an idiot, directly translated as 'thick'. So I think everyone should celebrate a long and multicultural tradition of having fun with peoples names. Remember Octopussy?

Speaking of decency, some people won't call me Dick. They go out of their way to call me Richard even if I have never introduced myself as such. At first I thought that it was intended to impress me with their etymological prowess, but later discovered that it was a result of their etymological ignorance and thought they were calling me a rude name.

Some understand the connection but won't use 'Dick' for some other unknown but probably giggley reason. The upside is when somebody calls me a dick I can respond in kind. this can be illustrated by the following example:
Anthony: You are a dick!
Richard: You are an Anthony.
Anthony: What's that supposed to mean (perplexed and aggravated).
Richard: (runs away).
Anthony: Dick!!
Richard: (runs back)
What now Anthonyhead?! (runs away)
That has got to be my cue to stop typing. GT I think you may have
answered your question with your statement. Decency is out of fashion.

Winter in bud

This rhododendron is coming out in full bud on 7 January 2007. It was spotted in Hubbards on the South Shore of Nova Scotia, a place not known for its January blossoms. But who knows what this warm winter bring?

Where are you Dick?

For the past few months Dick has been a regular and valued colour commentator on The Gifted Typist. But he seems to have disappeared off the face of the Blogmos, and the regular cast of GT commentators, Tag(Carpet)Bagger, Wally P, Yard Ape, LardArse and the ever-popular Anonymous have been missing his incisive perspectives and insights.

The Gifted Typist too has been missing Dick. Come back to us Dick. We miss you.

Favourite euphemism quote

Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne

- Quentin Crisp, English writer, raconteur, gay icon

Typist's euphemism of the year: extraordinary rendition

A US "extra-judicial" process by which untried suspects are exported to other countries for imprisonment and interrogation. Individuals suspected of criminal activity, terrorism or association with terrorist groups can be subjected to extraordinary rendition.

Canadian engineer Mahar Arar was subjected to a US extraordinary rendition in 2002 and sent to Syria where he was imprisoned for one year and tortured. After his release, a Canadian inquiry found that there was no evidence Mr. Arar committed any offence or constituted a security threat.

The word is chosen as this typist's Euphemism of the Year because the words extraordinary and rendition - when used together - serve to dampen down and mute out the serious breach of justice and democracy which occurs when untried suspects (what about presumption of innocence?) are taken into custody and sent to countries known to practice torture. Extraordinary rendition has been called "outsourcing torture" and "torture by proxy."

Typist's word of the year: PAParazzi

Following the example of Merriam Webster Dictionary which chose "truthiness" as its word of the year, this typist has made her own selection for 2006:

PAParazzi: gynaecologists with cameras who go out in public and snap pictures of innocent subjects without their permission or knowledge.

Word of the Year 2006: Truthiness

Merriam-Webster, the official dictionary of American English, has chosen "truthiness" as its word of the year 2006.

This word was coined Stephen Colbert on his TV show The Colbert Report to describe a state in which someone makes a truth claim with no evidence or facts to back it up. The claim by Ex-Defence Secretary Rumsy that Saddam was in possession of WMDs might be an example of "truthiness."

Truthiness has been used to ridicule and satirize claims made governments, business executives and those on the Right of the American political spectrum. Truthiness is not even a word in the MW dictionary, although that will soon change.

The rest of the 2006 MW top ten is as follows:

2. google

3. decider

4. war

5. insurgent

6. terrorism

7. vendetta

7. sectarian

8. quagmire

9. corruption

Manifesto of feline ownership Part I

Here is a response that Slack Woman received after warning the prime minister of Canada about the dangers of feline ownership. It came from Thomas J. Baglin who was kind enough to share his insights after 17 years of feline ownership. Today's post is the first in a series:

#1: Is the cat female? Neutered?

#2: Is the cat young, and UN-neutered?

Although these questions seem "double speak," they are not. The unifying question is age, and maternal condition. When my cat was young, and un-neutered, she was all about getting pregnant, which she did, at the age of LESS THAN six months.

When she was first brought home, she wanted OUT, and was all about escape plans, and opportunities. Try as we might her desire won out, and she was gone for about three days.

And yes, she met her love of the "one-night stand variety," and the promptly showed back at my door wanting admittance. She was soon fixed as to such a future dalliance. Her mood simmered down into one of being the lone feline, but definitely can deal with those two canines that might be just a bit bigger, but NOT so powerful as to being lethal.

This shows challenging the limits (and establishing HER extremes of co-operation), establishing a secure haven to come back to. Being the mighty mite (she is small for a cat) she is, too tough to banish permanently.

The Cheddar Chronicles: Prime Minister names his cat Cheddar, too

On Friday, She will be ranting and raving about the fact that the Prime Minister of Canada has named his cat Cheddar. She seems to take personal umbrage to this. She thinks the Prime Minister stole Her cat's name. She's written him a letter venting her indignation and throwing around veiled threats about suing the man for naming his cat Cheddar.

Have you ever heard anything so utterly ridiculous? She shouldn't have to be reminded that it's MY name we're talking about here!

I rather like the notoriety. If the Prime Minister of Canada wants to name his cat after me, I'm only too honoured. In fact, I think I'll invite Cheddar Harper for a visit. I think we'd get on famously planning all sorts of little irritations to inflict upon our owners.

Typist gets New Look

The typist has a new typewriter and a New Look for the typing.
What do you think?
Be honest
(it's still in beta and the font problems are being worked on)

Queen rules

It would be hard to argue with the choice of Queen as best British rock band of all time. Their ability to crank out stadium anthems such We Are The Champions, operatic flights of fantasy like Bohemian Rhapsody, and feel-good tunes like You're My Best Friend qualifies them even without the OTT camp-before-it-was-trendy antics of front man Freddie Mercury.

But it was that voice, Freddie's magnificent tenor vocal range and delivery that rose above all else for this typist. When he put that voice to Barcelona, there were no other tenors.

Over 20,000 BBC Radio 2 listeners voted on New Year's day. Given the demographic of this station 35-50, it's not surprising that Queen should rule.

The top five are:
1. Queen
2. The Beatles
3. Rolling Stones
4. Oasis
5 Take That

Queen, yes. Ditto the Beatles and Stones for the top five, but can someone please explain how Take That (the name Robbie Williams ring a bell?) beat out the likes of Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and The Who to name a few?

Promo Girl returns to CBC radio

Don't say you weren't warned. The Over Inflected One crashed back into the public airwaves of CBC Radio One this morning. Promo Boy is gone, Promo Girlis back and the holiday is over.
We had the same wavy inflections and more of the wink-wink-nudge-nudge verbal gesturing that so effectively trivializes and distracts from the material promoted. The ChuckerCanuck put it well when commenting on Promo Girl's disappearance last month:

Promo Girl will no longer purr about homelessness and coo about climate change. No longer will the CBC try to give me a boner while advertising a documentary about life during chemotherapy. True enough, CBC Radio One won't sound like a day-long highball party anymore, but that's the price of dignity.

I guess we public radio listeners should just get with the picture and realize that it's no longer strictly about good content; it's now about the cute personalities, ironic pitches and giggly gags someone thinks we need to hear to be inticed into listening. What would poor old Peter Gzowski have thought? But then, Promo Girl probably wouldn't remember him.

Tree on first full moon of 2007

This tree, a red maple, bursts into light every Christmas. Here is a shot taken with no tripod and held breath on a six second exposure in the wind. There was no hope of attaining a sharp and true image but the outcome was interesting, almost like a New Year display of fire works. The white light at the top is the full moon, muted by low cloud moving across it's silvery light. Below is an image of the same tree shot at a more sensible exposure with the same full moon in the backdrop.

Defiant winter berries

These berries defy the freezing winds blowing over the sand dune of a Northumberland beach. By the end of the shoot, fingers were frozen and the camera locked up, but the berries refused to be intimidated by the cold.