Favourite New Year's resolution quote

In 1969 I gave up drinking and sex. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life

- George Best, Northern Irish footballer

A kiss is just a kiss

Who says horses don't enjoy a little little flirt, a cuddle, a kiss and sweet nothing whispered in an ear?

This pair was caught in the act in the low light on a cold winter's afternoon. The nature of their relationship was not known by the typist who shot the pictures, but things certainly looked promising until someone said the wrong thing and they both went their separate ways.

Politically correct Christmas wishes

A couple of weeks ago this typist called for a ban on the banal wish of "happy holidays". Since then, this typist received the following Christmas wish in response. As a result, this typist is left with no choice but un-ban use of the term "happy holidays". It may be corporate and banal, but is far less painful. (Thanks Blindedbox)

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or
their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada great, (not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "CANADA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher)"

Typist on leave

The stenopool will be shut down for a few days. leaving this typist no choice but to take short leave. Everything will be up-and-running again by Friday 29 December.

Promo Girl to return

Several posts back, this typist reported that CBC radio's Promo Girl had disappeared. She was nowhere to be heard on the public broadcaster. Well, for those enjoying the refreshingly understated tones of Promo Boy, there is good news and bad.

The good news is that Promo Boy, Tony Daniels, has replaced Promo Girl while she pursues greener pastures in the movie business. The bad news is that the Over Inflected One will return with when her movie projects are complete.

This typist credits Shauna MacDonald, the actor behind Promo Girl, for her good work in the role of Constable Erica Miller in the Trailer Park Boys. And she will no doubt prove her acting talents in her present movie projects.

But the nudge-nudge-wink-wink-aren't-we-hip-at-the-CBC act has to go. Her exaggerated radio voice distracts from the content it aims to promote by drawing too much attention to itself. And it diminishes important subject matter that deserves intelligent, not cute, promotional treatments.

The Ceeb has it wrong on this one. Cute, saucy and look-at-me irony quickly degenerates into cute, saucy cliche. It wears thin and becomes predictable while distracting from the good material it promotes. This does not belong in public radio broadcasting. The CEEB and is listeners deserve more.

Green Christmas

Blooming wildflowers?
Budding trees?
Baby shoots?
On Christmas Day?
In Nova Scotia Canada?
Could someone please explain?

Favourite modern Christmas Quote

Wishing you a low-carbon, fair-traded, cruelty-free one, so far as is reasonably practicable

-Independent on Sunday newspaper of London
(thanks to Tagbagger)

Prime Minister of the Blues dies

This typist was saddened to hear that Dutch Mason - singer, guitarist, consummate bluesman and prime minister of the blues - died yesterday in Truro, NS.
Dubbed PM of the Blues by King of the Blues BB King, Dutchy played the bar circuit in Nova Scotia and across Canada since the 1950s. This typist recalls seeing his thickened arthritis-riddled fingers clasping a microphone as he belted out tunes in many of those bars in the 80s and 90s.
And when the arthritis claimed the rest of him, Dutchy was still up there on stage in his wheelchair singing the blues. He was the blues.
We'll miss him.

Ambulance Girl meets Sir Claverton.

London is battered and bruised as nightly Nazi raids fail to cease. Pasty-faced Londoners climb over debris and trudge past smoking bomb sites, barely noticing anymore. Death steals a mother from a screaming infant, and Ambulance Girl meets Sir Claverton - tortoise and friend for life.
Click here for the next installment.

U2 Bono?

Queen Elizabeth II has announced that Bono (Paul Hewson) is to be made an honourary knight in recognition of his work to erradicate poverty, particularly in Africa.

The official title is Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire. There will be no "Sir Bono" as this award is conferred upon citizens of countries of which the Queen is not head of state. Bono is Irish.

This typist salutes you, Bono, for your good works and your good music.

Wossy's Christmas playlist

Here is a Christmas playlist from today's broadcast from the funniest man in British radio. Jonathan Ross, Wossy to his friends, does his chat-and-music show each Saturday morning on BBC Radio 2. Today's guests include Wossy's good friend Ricky Gervais, creator and star of The Office (the original, not the American.)

'PEACE ON EARTH' - BING CROSBY & DAVID BOWIE

'BACK DOOR SANTA' -CLARENCE CARTER

'CHURCH OF THE POISON MIND' - CULTURE CLUB

"I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS' - ELVIS PRESLEY

'I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS' - THE RONETTES

'THE CHRISTMAS SONG" - FRANK SINATRA & NAT KING COLE

'I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY' - WIZZARD

'SILENT NIGHT' (LIVE) -Artist: G4

'SANTA CLAUS GO STRAIGHT TO THE GHETTO' - JAMES BROWN

'HAPPY XMAS (WAR IS OVER) - JOHN HOLT

'LAST CHRISTMAS' - WHAM

'A WHOLE NEW WORLD' - KATIE PRICE & PETER ANDRE

'A WINTERS TALE' - DAVID ESSEX

'A FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK' - THE POGUES

Red dawn

There wasn't a great fire in the eastern sky the other morning, but there might have been given the colour rising in that direction. It is viewed here through the silhouettes of chimneys, trees and a telephone poll.

Ten saddest songs

While we're on topic of song lists, how about this: the 10 saddest songs.

The Finnish mobile phone giant Nokia UK has named The Verve's hit 'The Drugs Don't Work' as the saddest song. The company commissioned an "expert" in physiology and music to analyze physical responses to rock and pop songs. It measured heart rate, respiratory response and skin temperature based on songs compiled by the official UK Charts Company.

"Music is undeniably powerful at triggering different emotional states. Changes in tempo and frequencies induce profoundly different emotional states," said Dr. Harry Witchel who carried out the survey. "A slow tempo song like The Verve's 'The Drugs Don't Work' slows down the heart compared to most of the other songs and compared to white noise - in other words, it works like the emotional state of sadness.

Hmmm. Anyway, here is the rest of the list. Are these songs sad or just obvious choices for the list?

1. The Verve - The Drugs Don't Work

2. Robbie Williams - Angels

3. Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

4. Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You

5. Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U

6. Will Young - Leave Right Now

7. Elvis Presley - Are You Lonesome Tonight?

8. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

9. James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

10. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

Ten happiest songs

According to the same Nokia study, these are the ten happiest songs:

1. Lily Allen - "LDN"

2. ABBA - "Dancing Queen"

3. R.E.M. - "Shiny Happy People"

4. B52s - "Love Shack"

5. The Beatles - "She Loves You"

6. Beyonce - "Crazy in Love"

7. Britney Spears - "Baby One More Time

"8. Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - "I've Had the Time of My Life"

9. Spice Girls - "Spice Up Your Life"

10. Kylie Minogue - "Spinning Around"

Isn't it great to be a man Part IV

Here are the final reasons why it's great to be a man:

- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly hides your big hips.
- No one gives you a hard time about your VPL
- You can wear horrible, dated clothes and not be judged for it
- One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how bad your legs look.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
- The hairdresser charges you less even if the cut the same as a woman's
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You enjoy a bit of sexual harassment every now and then
- You can only have to do Christmas shopping for your wife, girlfriend, mother (sometimes all three at once!)
- you leave your Christmas shopping until 24th December and then have dutiful female sales clerks doting over you and making the decisions for you
- you get to drink the bourbon left for Santa on Christmas Eve.

No wonder you're so happy, men.

Worst songs for sex

Just days after the Gifted Typist issued a request for a list of the ten worst songs for sex, the BBC gave its list, no doubt in response.

10. Old Shep - Elvis Presley (it's about a man who has to shoot his dog)

9. Lark's Tongue in Aspic Parts I & II - King Crimson (prog rock that's only into itself)

8. Who are you? - The Who (for obvious reasons)

7. Rude Box - Robbie Williams (so desperate for sex it needs a bucket of water thrown over it)

6. Too drunk to f*** - Dead Kennedies(sorry, they keyboard censored that one, so you guess)

5. Theme from Dr Who - BBC (who would want to have sex with a Dr. Who fan?)

4. National anthem (the BBC means God Save the Queen, but Oh Canada would be even worse)

3. Now I want to sniff some glue - The Ramones (only 1min 35 seconds, romantic theme too.)

2. Three Girl Rumba - Wire (1 min 23 seconds and with enough time for a post-coital snuggle)

1. Napalm Death - Dead (5 seconds long, charming)

Down with the bottom feeders XI

Here are pictures of beautiful Lophelia corals found living on the ocean floor off the east coast of Canada. When the discovery was made by the Centre for Marine Biodiversity, these areas were surrounded by fencing and made off limits to Canadian bottom trawling fleets. Scientists were hoping the United Nations would declare a temporary moratorium on bottom trawling in international waters so that scientists could protect ecologically fragile parts of the ocean floor.
Sadly, this effort failed, and Canada sided with nations such as Spain, opposing the temporary moratorium. Click here for pictures of other corals damaged by bottom trawling.

These pictures were provided to the Gifted Typist by Dr. Ellen Kenchington, research scientist with the Canadian Department of Fisheries, Ecosystem Research Division. Thank you Ellen.

The downside of modern architecture

Isn't it great to be a man Part III

Here are more reasons why it's great to be a Yard Ape, oops, I mean man.

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat and consist of "yup" "no" and "who's bringing the beer"
- You never get embarassed when you miss social cues.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase and golf clubs
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You "babysit" your own children and then are sainted for it
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack and you only buy a new three-pack once every three years.
- There's a place to pee around every corner, against every wall
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck and don't get called rude names if you choose not to shave at all

Favourite Christmas quote

My left leg is Christmas; my right leg is New Year. Why don't you drop in over the holidays?

- Mae West - (attributed) American actress

Does the bow gotta go?

It's been called a Frankenbow, a bow on steriods, a bow of Alexandrian ambition.

Is someone trying to tell this typist that the bow is too big. Does it make this typist look like a bow-off or, worse, bowstful? Does it make this typist a bow-zo? Or has the bow had too much bow-tox?

Be honest: Does the bow gotta go?

Worst songs for sex?

Now that we have the list of the best songs for sex taken care of, perhaps we should work up a list for the worse songs for having sex.
Any suggestions?

Best songs for sex (hold the lyrics)

An on-line survey by Yahoo music recently rated Marvin Gaye's ‘Sexual Healing’ as the best song for engaging in a little bit of the old, you know, rumpy pumpy. On paper, maybe, but in reality, wouldn't it be sort of embarrassing to have the following lyrics crooning at you in the background.

Baby, I'm hot just like your oven.
Oh- I need your lovin'

or

Baby I got sick this morning
A sea was storming inside of me
Baby I think I'm capsizing
The waves are rising and rising
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing

or

You're my medicine open up and let me in Darling,
Darling, you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate

Here are the top-ten rated songs for having sex

1. Marvin Gaye – Sexual Healing.

2. U2 – With Or Without You

3. Barry White – My First My Last My Everything

4. Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin – Je T’aime

5. Chris Isaac – Wicked Game

6. Al Green – Let’s Stay Together

7. Phyllis Nelson – Move Closer

8. INXS – I Need You Tonight

9. Madonna – Justify My Love

10. Kylie Minogue – Slow

Isn't it great to be a man - Part II

Men have it good, don't they. In Part I we began this fascinating investigation. Here we continue to explore the why's.

*You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
*Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
*Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
*People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
*The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

And there are more to come.

The Cheddar Chronicles: the cat, the teeth and the tartar

The other day She told me that we have to start brushing my teeth because I have tartar. Brushing my teeth! I'd have have laughed in Her face, only I'm a cat and can't laugh, so I hit her with a withering look of ill-disguised disdain.

Do you see the size of those incisors? Surely She doesn't need reminding that they were put there for a reason. I don't know if my creator had tooth brushes in mind when he blessed me with them, but he did give me an instinct to discourage anyone from putting a foreign object in my mouth. He also gave me four other weapons of self-defense, each of which is equipped with five retractable claws. 007 eat your heart out.

So, let this be a friendly warning that I will use these weapons when necessary, tartar be damned.

Oh yes, and She says to tell you to click here for the full story on the me, my teeth and my tartar.

Happy Whatever-Turns-Your-Crank Day

The following is Dick's comment on the Happy Holidays post of a few days ago. It speaks to the confusion many feel about what is being celebrated at this time of year and why.

I will wish people a Merry Christmas,
with total disregard for their
feelings. What else am I supposed to call it?
I've tried happy Jesus Spawn Day
but it wasn't well received.I celebrate
around the day known as Christmas (read
Jesus Spawn Day if you like). I do
not celebrate Christmas, I celebrate a well
deserved paid holiday. In this
context it seems quite appropriate to wish me a
Happy Holidays
Stranger: Hi, what do you celebrate
Dick: Holidays, why?
Stranger: No, I mean do you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, winter solstice?
Dick: Oh I see ... I celebrate time off work. I guess I should be happy that Jesus was spawned and so many people make a fuss about it, or I might be working right now.
Stranger: Oh ... happy holidays.
Dick: Wouldn't have it any other
way.
Happy Whatever Turns Your Crank Day!

Isn't it great to be a man Part I

Why? Well here are a few reasons:
Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.
Tune in for Part II of this screed tomorrow,

Anthrax on anthrax

Shortly after the 9-11 attacks in the United States, there were a number of deaths linked to the lethal bacteria anthrax. Fearing a large-scale bio-terrorist attack, many Americans sought out the antibiotic Cipro as a treatment for inhalation of anthrax.

Among the Cipro-seekers was Scott Ian, lead singer of thrash-metal band Anthrax who said he ordered the drug "because I will not die an ironic death."

Words that should be banned: Happy Holidays

Because it is plastic-speak. It is a fake, banal greeting so diluted by overuse that it ceases to have meaning. Happy Holidays is Hallmark language, a corporate melting-pot greeting pitched broadly to a lowest common denominator. Happy Holidays offends no one and but thrills no one either. It is a blanc-mange greeting.

If a well-wisher wants to greet an acquaintance or friend at this time of year, they will know or ask which tradition is being celebrated. Hanukkah? Christmas? Kwanzaa? Winter Solstice?
What greater respect can the well wisher pay than to ask how the recipient celebrates?

Inclusivity? Yes. Diversity. Yes. These add colour and flare to a celebration. But Happy Holidays? This draws a dark curtain on the colour and flare, blunting out the character and joy of the celebration. So, let's save Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Winter Solstice from this banalization and ban Happy Holidays.

White Christmas or red?

Favourite tantric sex quote

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging then dinner and a movie.

- Sting, British musician

New life and near death for Ambulance Girl

It's the middle of October 1940 and the bombs are getting closer and closer. Fear and exhaustion grip Londoners who are beginning to wonder how much longer the Blitz will last, and how much more they can take. But they must hold on. They must show Jerry that they will not be broken.

In the midst of all the noise, debris and fear comes the miracle of new life, a baby born in the rubble during an air raid, delivered by Ambulance Girl. Days later Ambulance Girl wakes from a haze of confusion, her body throbbing, lungs full of grit, head swirling with fragments of memory to learn she is lucky to be alive after a parachute bomb exploded nearby.

Click here for the latest installment.

Typist braves ice storm

A brutal ice storm moved into the Ottawa area last Friday, swathing nature in a frozen lacquer that trapped berries and branches in time, like precious amber. This typist did not dress warmly enough to go out and capture the moment, but it was worth the frozen fingers. Twigs, trees, automobiles and power lines also suffered at the hand of the cold, but if you got close it was other-worldly.

Promo Boy bumps Promo Girl?

Could it be that CBC Radio Promo Girl (ProGo) has been promoted to greener pastures?

Keen listeners today will have noticed the conspicuous absence of the Over-Inflected One. There was no forced irony imposed on serious subject matter, no self-serving jokes, no it's-all-about-me intrusion on the broadcast rhythms.

Instead, we heard a pleasant male voice drawing attention to programs of interest without drawing attention to himself. Promo Boy (or ProBo, to keep with the syntax) was informative without being intrusive, and he managed this without resorting to the dreaded "voice of God" the Ceeb so desperately wishes to avoid.

Congratulations ProBo and the Ceeb. It may be wishful thinking, but long may it last.

Busy husbands; flapper wives

There was a time when busy husbands took a break from their busy days to contemplate a Christmas gift for their wives. This full-page ad comes from a 1920s homemaker's magazine this typist happened to be reading some years ago. It's aimed at the "modern" man who wishes to make his wife's life easier.

If you look closely, you will see that the wife in question is a fragile, obedient creature who finds the "utmost joy" in keeping an exquisitely clean house. She never complains about the drudge of housework. She will no doubt be thrilled by the appearance of a Hoover under her tree on Christmas morning. No wonder the flapper women rebelled with daring knee-length skirts, the Charleston and those close relationships with other flapper women.

First Snows of winter

The First Snows came heavy and hard this winter giving a typist no choice but to leave the keyboard to capture some of the statues and monuments left in the wake of the storm. Thick wet snow clung to branches and twigs, and made an overhead railroad track of the backyard clothesline. And was that a barbeque cover smiling?

Favourite champagne quotation

In victory we deserve it;

in defeat we need it

-Winston Churchill, British prime minister