New Gifted Typist site is launched

Bad news:

http://giftedtypist.blogspot.com is coming to an end



Good news:

http://giftedtypist.com is born. Come and see.

Final clue

giftedtypist

+

+

com

=

???????

(All is revealed tomorrow)

Seal protest staged in London

Members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) staged a demonstration today in front of Canada House in Trafalgar Square in Central London. The pictures are a Gifted Typist exclusive, taken by GT's newly appointed Chief London Correspondent.

Words that should be banned: Delusional Calgaria

Yes, the Delusional Calgaria campaign to get Nova Scotians back home is cute and funny. Yes, Nova Scotians have a good sense of humour, a great lifestyle, cheaper rentals, smaller traffic jams and a kinder gentler pace of life.

But the cute campaign by Rodney MacDonald's Nova Scotia government misses the point. It confuses the build-it-and-they-will-come philosophy with a build-a-website-and-make-everyone-think-they-will-come approach.

Sure the cute campaign is getting publicity. But to what end? What, Rodney, do you suppose all these ex-pat Nova Scotians are going to come back to? Jobs in call centres? Retail? Fast food? Perhaps they can work on Delusional Calgaria websites.

The Delusional Calgaria campaign doesn't insult Calgary or Calgarians. It insults the battery Nova Scotians who left - often against their will - to pursue work and opportunities.

Most of them didn't want to abandon all the great things in Nova Scotia. They left to get good paying jobs and to get them quickly so they can pay off student debt among other things. They left for an enterprise culture that will produce opportunities and skills, the things they need to build their future.

If anyone looks delusional here, it is the government of Nova Scotia for making such a ludicrous pitch. If you build it, they will come. But if you just say it, they will not. And who could blame them?

A Monty Python take on IEDs

Here is TagBagger's Pythonesque take on IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) which we banned in the previous post. Cynical? Or just calling a bomb a bomb. It was pulled out of GT comments.

1)The 'good guys' use REAL 'Bombs' - only evil terrorists use IED's - because they are the bad guys

2)They are also bad guys because they refuse to fight fair by the definition of the "Coalition' occupying armies - this is very bad, and shows a weak moral war compass.

3)The media uses IED, because it sounds cool, and shows that they appreciate the briefings they get from the good guys. They demonstrate their gratitude by turning off their camera as the Governor General is toured through the army vehicles that have been damaged by the 'bad evil guys' IED's - if they didn't, one might begin to wonder just who is good, and who is bad - which is a slippery slope.

Remember kids - Bombs=Good (esp. the new smart bombs that only kill bad guys and women and children who will at some point in the future become bad guys for sure)

IED's=Bad - unfair evil war cheating terrorists heroically fighting the Western occupying armies in their own country... (Oh wait, I'm getting confused here) Bombs=Good, IED's=Bad, UsGood, ThemBad - always remember kids - the 'Other' is always bad.

Words that should be banned: IED

Why can't we just call a bomb a bomb?

Sure, there are different types of bombs. There are big bombs, little bombs, fertilizer bombs, smart bombs, pipe bombs, incendiary bombs, doodlebug bombs, cluster bombs, nail bombs, roadside bombs and bath bombs.

IED is military nomenclature for "improvised explosive device."
Why don't they just say homemade bomb?

And why do does the media use this lingo? It's fine for an organization like the military to have its jargon, but if the terminology doesn't enhance our understanding, then why use it? Just because we can?

IED? Sounds like IUD - Intra Uterine Device - not a roadside bomb.
It also sounds like WMD, a little-roll-off-the-tongue device picked up by media hungry for war ratings in another time and place.

Let's ban IED and keep the communication real and honest.

It's a hint of things to come

Coming soon!

To a computer near you. More later.

Favourite transvestite quote

Most transvestites are just regular guys , who occasionally like to eat, drink and be Mary

- Joe Joseph
(Couldn't find anything on JJ. All I know is that he's British. Anyone with any further info?)

What is your FAQ?

Slacker answers her FAQs this week. Read here for answers to these and other questions:

1. Where do you stand on the organization Slobs without Borders?
2. Have you conquered your dust bunny problem?
3. What is your position on the male Speedo?
4. Do your beastly felines appreciate unreservedly everything you've done for them?

Typist goes AWOL

Due to a combination of circumstances, this typist went AWOL yesterday. This blog and its readers were completely ignored for the entire day with no explanation until now.

Early yesterday morning, one of the young typists was rushed to hospital with a mysterious and potentially serious condition. There were tests on blood, lymph nodes, mobility and other things. There were X-rays, radioactive isotopes swallowed and then gamma rays. There were doctors, specialists, nurses and nuclear (!) medicine technicians and nice people who came around to make sure we were comfortable. There were looks of concern from professionals and at times frightening body language.

And there were hours of waiting for results in small windowless rooms on a beautiful sunny spring day, a day the little typist should have been out playing because there was no school.

In the end, there was happiness and relief. The worst was ruled out. The little typist has a problem but he will be OK.

The keyboard also had a problem - water spilled on it by the other little typist. But that didn't rate yesterday. Nothing else rated yesterday.

Imglish lessons #6 - Personal ads

SWF* is a standard lingo in the world of personal ads IMglish, but personal ads are swimming in IMglishisms, some of which you may know, others you may not. It's important to understand this special IMglish dialect lest you don't find what you're looking for, or worse, you end up with something you weren't looking for.

B - Black, as in DBF (Divorced Black Female)

BBW - Big Beautiful Woman

plus-size and happy with herself

Bi - Bisexual

C - Christian, as in SWCM (Single White Christian Male)

D&S - Dominance and Submission

DDF - Drug and Disease Free

Fet - Fetish

FtM - Female-to-Male Transgendered

FWB - "Friends With Benefits"

(friends who have sex without romantic involvement or the expectation thereof)

*Single White Female

Words that should be banned: Rodney MacDonald

Not from the gymnasium, from the fiddle or from the step-dancing floor, but Rodney MacDonald should be banned from the playground of provincial politics.

This morning we had an episode of Rodney's Believe it or Not! featuring our premier on radio answering yet more questions on another cabinet minister's brush with police. Has our young step-dancing, fiddling-playing premier not learned the lessons of the Ernie Fage affair?

Meanwhile his province is trying to pick itself up again after the sucker punch dealt by Stephen Harper's budget. It presented Nova Scotia with a sort of Sophie's Choice for federal support: either give up the offshore accord that would allow this have-not province keep more oil and gas royalties, or receive less money in federal transfers.

For Rodney's Nova Scotia that means receiving $5 million less if the province opts to keep the accord negotiated with the Liberal government.

While Newfoundland's premier Danny Williams is spitting bullets and threatening fire and brimstone against Stephen Harper's Tories, Rodney comes out with a few flaccid comments about federal MPs having some explaining to do. And he won't even commit to a flaccid comment on campaigning against the federal Conservatives in the next election.

Rodney, your province has a $12.5 billion debt. It's bleeding workers, young people and taxpayers to Alberta. Its population is aging and needs hospitals, senior's homes and services. Its resource economy is in decline. And now it's getting kicked in the head by a Conservative Prime Minister who is doling out the dosh to the big provinces to buy his longed-for majority.

Even if you made it look as though you have a grasp on these problems, you might give us a reason not to ban you just yet. But alas, Rodney, you aren't even doing a good of pretending.

Let's ban Rodney MacDonald from Nova Scotia politics.
Let's get Danny Williams to Nova Scotia. Stat!

Winter gets the last laugh on first day of spring

Spring 2007 officially arrives 21 March 00:07 GMT.
That means it arrives 20 March at 9:07 pm in this part of the world.
By the looks of things, it would seem that Spring is real a joker. Ha ha ha

SS Atlantic remembered

These two roses* appear to be overlooking the scene of one of the worst marine disasters in Canadian history. They were found attached to a bench on the memorial boardwalk of the SS Atlantic in Lower Prospect. In the waters beyond, 546 of 975 passengers perished on the night of 1 April 1873 when the steamship Atlantic encountered a storm and struck an underwater rock off the Nova Scotia coast near Terrance Bay. Local residents, many of them fishermen, helped with the rescue. Just behind the boardwalk is the resting place for 277 of the victims.


*the roses were not real

Lobster feast

Here was the lobster feast that produced the odd crustacean Pushmepullyou. It was lobster on an Asian theme and it was every bit as mouth watering as it appears, possibly even better.

Favourite drugs quote

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

-Keith Richards, British musician

Vivre Le Clutter

For a brief moment last year, we thought there might be hope for the Back-to-Clutter Movement. Articles appeared in the newspaper talking about the importance of scattering personal things around the house. They even mentioned the C-word: Clutter! Finally, there was light at the end of the neat-tidy-sterile tunnel of home decorating.

But alas the Taste Titans and Style Dictators got to the Clutter People and had them snuffed them out. For more lamentations of a beleaguered clutter artist, read here.

Typist takes leave

The typist has left the stenopool for a few days to attend a typing convention.
Back on Sunday with a favourite quote.
ttfn (look it up in your IMglish dictionary).

Pushmepullyou lobster

A lobster feast resulted in this curious arrangement of crustacean carcasses. What would Dr. Dolittle think?

Bad translations #3 - bad trannies

Here are more bad trannies. Perhaps "trannies" is an ambiguous choice of word implying a man dressed as a woman. Maybe it is a bad translation for the word translation, but alas it has entered my wordscape and will not go away.

On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience we recommend courteous, effecient self-service.

In a Bangkok cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Hong Kong dress shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Imglish lessons #5 - if you're happy and know it

Sometimes you have have to tell your txt partner how you're feeling about things. This Imglishisms might help to convey happiness or something even better.

VBG very big grin
VEG very evil grin
WEG wicked evil grin
SFETE smiling from ear to ear
SETE smiling ear to ear
HHO1/2K ha ha only half kidding
HHOK ha ha only joking
HHOS ha ha only being serious

Words that should be banned: Commonwealth Games

Because enough is enough!

Yes, Nova Scotia has a black eye after the Commonwealth bid failure.

Yes, the political leadership here is spectacularly uninspired.

Yes, the Commonwealth bid committee sold us a bill of goods when they got us into the bid by saying the games would cost $500 million when in fact the number was closer to $1.7 billion.

Yes, the bid committee treated taxpayers like dupes rather than stakeholders.

Yes, Nova Scotia has an obesity problem and a shortage of recreational and athletic training facilities.

Yes, Nova Scotia is aging, facing population stagnation and out-migration, and unable to offer university graduates jobs that will sustain student loan payments.

Yes, Nova Scotia is anchored to the past, unwelcoming to new immigrants, resistant to change, and suspicious of the enterprise culture that will generate jobs, a bigger tax base and the population growth necessary to sustain our lifestyle.

Yes, Nova Scotia carries a $12.5 billion debt, the second highest per capita in Canada.

And yes, the Commonwealth Games bid has shone a bright light on these deficiencies.

It's all be said, so now let's stop beating ourselves up about the Commonwealth Games. Let's roll up our sleeves and do something about it other than hand wringing, gainsaying and finger pointing.

Let's save ourselves from ourselves and ban the word Commonwealth Games.

Words that should be banned: woo woo (!)

There is no question that a public performance of music is one of life's great pleasures, unless you happen to find yourself in vicinity of a "woo woo" artist.

You know the "woo woo" artist. This is an individual so taken with the pleasure of the moment, they channel their exaltation through the "woo woo."

This is a loud, often shrill expression produced by curling the mouth into an O-shape and forcing air from the lungs, across the larynx and out through the O-shaped mouth to make a long-winded, high-decibel and oft-repeated "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" sound.

Now, this typist does not mind a "woo" here or a "woo" there to express heightened appreciation and has on occasion used the "woo" to that end. It is not the "woo" or the "wooing" itself that causes ire, but rather compulsive use of the "woo woo" by a "woo woo" artist in close proximity.

The overuse of the "woo woo" belittles its power to appreciate. If you "woo" at everything, then you contribute to a situation of appreciation inflation. Too much "woo woo" renders an audience incapable of distinguishing the good from the very good, or the very good from the outstanding.

Why not intersperse the "woo woo" with other expressions of appreciation like Hooray!, or it's abbreviation "Yeah!." And then there are the variants: "Yippy" and "Yeee-haaaa" and "Yaa-hoo." (Although in the last instance we could be limited by copyright and trademark issues.) And what about the good old-fashioned hand clap? Has this ceased to be adequate in the age of the "woo woo."

While there is no direct evidence that the "woo woo" is a risk factor for vocabulary dysfunction, an over reliance of the "woo woo" may lead those in close proximity to the "woo woo" artist to speculate on vocabulary deficiencies.

By the end of the evening, close neighbours of the "woo woo" artist might wonder if the "woo woo" is not a device to seize attention away from the performing artist and re-direct it towards the "woo woo" artist him or herself.

It would not be a huge leap to conclude that the"woo woo" may in fact be motivated by a "look-at-me" imperative, which seems so contrary to the purpose of applauding a performer in the first place.

And so for these reasons the "woo woo" must be banned. If people abuse it, then they will have to lose it.

Favourite happiness quote

I can sympathise with people's pains, but not with their pleasure. There is something curiously boring about someone else's happiness.


-Aldous Huxley, British novelist

The irony of ironic

"It is tragically ironic." This is how Andrew Pipe, president of Commonwealth Games Canada responded to news that Halifax had dropped its bid for the games.

Ironic, Mr. Pipe?

Irony is a device to express an opposite meaning. A mini-van with flames of speed painted on the side is an example of visual irony. Dropping the games may be unexpected to Mr. Pipe. It may be disappointing. It may be shocking. But ironic it is not.

This is Morissettian, to use a term coined by Jon Winotur. It is in reference to Alanis Morissette's 90's hit song Ironic which described as "ironic" things that are actually disappointing, coincidental or just plain bad luck. (Rain on your wedding day is bad luck, not ironic; getting stuck in a traffic jam when you're late is frustrating, not ironic.)

But a song Called "Irony" that describes things that are un-ironic? Now that, Mr. Pipe, is irony.

There is also an argument to be made against his use of the word "tragic" to describe the dropping to the games bid, but we'll leave Mr. Pipe to contemplate his use of irony for now.

Sainthood to Begonia Girl

Up to her eyebrows in ice-crusted sludge after a March lion snow storm last weekend, Slacker's spirit was almost broken by the prospect of having to shovel it. But miracle of miracles along came Begonia Girl to the rescue with her snowblower and the day was saved.
Sainthood to Begonia Girl!
Read more here.

Typist on typing experiment

This typist will be guinea pigging (is this correct typing?) in a typing experiment this Saturday at Dalhousie University.

The idea is to make transparent and public the rather messy and undignified business of writing (or typing in the case of this typist) so that students can learn from the experience.

Six guinea pigs will be asked to squeeze themselves through the brutal sausage-making machine that is writing. Participants will be encouraged to speak aloud to give observing students insights into the writing (typing) process.

The experiment is called WHIPS - Write Here, in Plain Sight. It will take place at the Kenneth C. Rowe Management Building and the McCain Arts and Science Building Saturday, March 10, 9:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.

More cool frost

More cold weather; more frost. It's curious how similar these fractals are to ferns or evergreen trees. Perhaps our Chief Forestry Correspondent might have something to offer. Dick? For more frost bite(s) click here.

Bad translations #2

Tempted though I am, I won't re-name this series Bad Trannies as it might not go down so well in translation. So, here is your second crop of Bad Translations.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9&11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Passing of a post-modern guru

The post-structural theorist, cultural critic, and photographer Jean Baudrillard died yesterday after a long illness. He was 77.

Baudrillard was a post-modern thinker who inspired the ideas behind the movie The Matrix. His thoughts about hyper-reality forged the notion of virtual reality and launched an entire sub-genre of science fiction.

His simulacra theory speculated that people do not live in reality but in a world manufactured by mass media, the simulacrum. This lead him to pronounce that the first Gulf War was not real. It was produced as a sort of virtual video game for TV watchers in the west.

Two years ago he told the New York Times: “All our values are simulated! What is freedom at all? A choice between purchasing one or another car? This is only the simulation of freedom.”

His dense, translated-from-French prose were not always the easiest to read and some of the ideas seemed bizarre, but they were intoxicating, just as the ideas of Canadian thinker Marshall McLuhan were a generation before.

Baudrillard's passing is marked here as he was an influence on this typist's typing.

Lunar landing

It isn't of course, but it has that look. What we have is more frost fractals on the window as the result of another cold snap. Intriguing how dramatic the change in patterns. It's almost as though the frost lays itself down as a geological formation. See Frost Bite(s) for more fun with winter fractals.

IMglish lessons #4 - ha ha ha

Here the list for laughing nomenclature in IMglish. Have to love a message with one of these

LMSO laughing my socks off
LOL laughing out loud
LSHMBB laughing so hard my belly is bouncing
LTM laugh to myself
LMAO laugh my a** off
ROTFL rolling on the floor laughing

Anymore laughing IMglishisms, anyone?

Words that should be banned: racial realism

Jared Taylor is a racial realist. He believes that black people are genetically and intellectually inferior and are more sexually promiscuous than other races.

Taylor promotes the idea that races should be segregated from each other, blacks kept with blacks, hispanics with hispanics, whites with whites. Racial diversity and mixing, according to Taylor, leads to social conflict and disharmony. Segregation will enhance society, he believes. Taylor says he is not a white supremacist but rather a white separatist.

Taylor is the driving force behind The New Century Foundation, a think tank which publishes American Resistance, a journal that calls itself “a literate, undeceived journal of race, immigration and the decline of civility.” Taylor is joined in his movement by such racial luminaries as David Duke, white nationalist and supremacist, and the British National Party made up of white nationalists, anti-semitics and neo-fascists.

People in these organizations never call themselves racists. They are racial realists, race relations experts and racial separatists. They practice race realism, not racism. The cloak their racist values in the intellectual terminology used by groups seeking freedom from racial oppression.

Let's ban the term racial realism. Let's call a racist a racist. And while we're at it, let's keep Jared Taylor from spreading his wolf-dressed-in-lamb's-clothing racist poison. Ban him from Halifax too.

Favourite grey hair quote

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

- PG Wodehouse, British novelist

A total eclipse of the ... moon!

Caught this quite by chance tonight. Wondered why most of the full moon was covered in a red shadow on a clear night. As it turns out, this the red shadow is the earth's shadow. It is the first lunar eclipse in three years. Amazing!1.6 sec, f4, 200mm, ASA 100, tripodnar eclipse
(Thanks to KLH for pointing it out.)

Below TagBagger captures the moon at the peak of its eclipse complete with surrounding stars. The photographic challenge here is to stop the moment but capture right amount of light, colour and crispness. His photo achieves this. (2.5 secs, f5.6, 300mm, ASA 1600).

Mall cowers under angry sky

This angry sky bullied its way into a sunny day casting a dark shadow over the mall. The stark contrasts of light and dark made for a dramtic afternoon that day. The photo entitled Geisha's Lips was also shot on that day, an hour later.

Slacker's big flop

Slacker's big splash turns into a big flop during the national swimming championships. Read here for more.

Picture features national championship swimmers pushing off the blocks.

Frost on my windshield

Got up one bitterly cold morning and slept walked to the car. I turned the key and looked up to the most brilliant blue sky and this smattering of yellow frost on the windshield.

Words that should be banned: hipster parents

Much is being said lately of the Hipster Parent, most of it negative. Time magazine recently printed a screed entitled Too Cool for Preschool and New York Times columnist David Brooks dissed the trend of turning a six-month old into a logo for the lastest indie rock band or for Mummy's blog.

This typist has also critiqued the Yummy Mummy syndrome in which mummies pamper and ornament themselves and regard their offspring as cute accoutrement's.

They are one and the same, Hipster Parents and Yummy Mummies. They believe their style and behaviors are individualistic and that they are rebelling against the imposed parental expectations.

But in reality Hipster Parents and Yummy Mummies are not rebels but sheep. They Baa Baa to the consumerist instruction to express identities through branded logos which they purchase and wear on their clothes, on their skin (tattoos) and on their babies.

They have been told by the Macintosh Corporation that i-brands = cool and so they have gone out and dutifully bought those i-products. Hipster parents and Yummy Mummies seek direction for their indie babies through websites like Babyrazzi which features the style and behaviour of celebs such as Gwyneth and Moses, Posh and Brooklyn, Britany and, oh never mind that one.

Hipster Parents and Yummy Mummies believe they are re-inventing parenthood or perhaps inventing it for the first time. They are wrong about that. But more to the point, they are wrong to impose their consumer branded identifies on their six-month olds. They lack imagination and taste.

Let's ban Hipster Parents and Yummy Mummies and leave our babies to form their own identities.

IMglish - Lesson 3

Here is this week's crop of IMglish-isms for all you txtrs and chtrs out there. We think this IMglish is new, but this typist recalls stenopool day when pages were typed from shorthand. Like so many other new and trendy things, IMglish is just the wheel re-invented.

AATK always at the keyboard

M8 mate or mates

ABT2 about to

MA mature audience

AFAIK as far as I know

MHBFY my heart bleeds for you

AFK away from keyboard

MIHAP may I have your attention please

AFN that’s all for now

MKOP my kind of place

AKA also known as

Forestry correspondent pronounces trees dead

When the Gifted Typist appointed a Chief Forestry Correspondent, brows furrowed. Why, some mused, would a typist's blog require a Chief Forestry Correspondent.

Well, today our Chief Forestry Correspondent proved why blogs like this one need such a correspondent.

It turns out that our artistic tree is in fact dead. Here is the news as dispatched from our Chief Forestry Correspondent, dick.

The trees are dead. Note the missing bark. These are dead eastern white pine (Pinus strobus) and are common throughout the Acadian and Great Lakes Forest Regions. They are conifers and, when alive, keep their green foliage year round.

Gitmo North = Canada II

Gitmo North - the country formerly known as Canada - has shed its Guantanamo Bay-like anti-terrorism laws. Parliament voted not to extend extraordinary anti-terrorism laws allowing authorities to detain and interrogate terrorism suspects.

(Gitmo is the familiar and folksy pet name used for terrorist detainment centre at Guantanomo.)

The vote was a defeat for the minority govenment of Gitmo North which pushed to have these extraordinary powers extended for three years. Last week the Supreme Court struck down the security certificate allowig authorities to detain and deport non-citizens on a suspicion of terrorism.

Sadly, the Prime Minister of Gitmo North advocates anti-democratic laws such as these measures. Until Prime Minister Gitmo is removed, the country formerly known as Canada will have to remain Gitmo North.

Winter tree

This tree, denuded by winter, stands in an area stripped of most trees by Hurricane Juan which struck Halifax in September of 2003.

Point Pleasant Park was transformed that night from a heavily forested urban park to a park of fallen trees.

But what it lost in tree cover, it gained in views. If strollers look beyond the fallen trees, they have a spectacular view of the Halifax Harbour.

Broken link in Gitmo North (formerly known as Canada)

Either the goverment of Gitmo North - formerly known as Canada - is having trouble with its web services or they haven't figured out what to say now that the Supreme Court has struck down its Security Certificate Terrorism law. (See next post for more on the Guantanamo Bay or Gitmo-like terrorism laws of Canada. )

When you click on the Canadian Border and Security to see what Gitmo North has to say about its Security Certificate program, you get the following Error 404 message. Go ahead, click here and try for yourself.

We're sorry, but you've either clicked on a broken hyperlink
or tried to access a page whose Web address has changed.
When someone clicks
on a broken hyperlink, our system automatically logs the problem so we can fix
it as part of our regular maintenance.
We invite you to visit the main
menu and explore our site. Or hit "Back" in your
Web browser's toolbar to return to the last Web page you visited.

We can but hope that the Security Certificate programthat allowed authorities to detain and deport non-citizens based on suspicion of terrorism is considered "the problem" which will have to be "fixed" as part of the website's regular maintenance.

Canada = Gitmo North

Last week we discussed Gitmo, the US facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where detainees can be held indefinitely without charge or legal representation. Gitmo exists outside of American soil because the US constitution protects people against this sort of activity.

Here in Gitmo North - formerly known as Canada - authorities can detain people without arrest and force them to testify in secret trials. And until the Supreme Court struck down the security certificate last week, authorities could also detain and deport non-citizens based on suspicion of terrorism. No US Constitution to worry about in Gitmo North.

Today parliamentarians of Gitmo North will debate the provisions that allow authorities to detain people without arrest and force them to testify in secret. The Prime Minister of Gitmo North would like to see these provisions extended. We can hope that civil liberties will prevail over oppression of democratic rights.

The unanimous Supreme Court finding that security certificates breach rights was encouraging, but citizens of the country formerly known as Canada should be fearful because the Prime Minister of Gitmo North has made it clear that he has plans to populate the Supreme Court with judges who think more like he does and more like the architects of Gitmo, Cuba.

Bad translations: #1

Today we start a new series on the Gifted Typist: Bad translations.
Keep in mind that the authors of these translations often have a better knowledge of english than we have of their language.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for
the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards,
and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button
for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at
the front desk.

Favourite Glasgow quote

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack, I'll look exactly the same afterwards

Billy Connolly, Scots comedian

The Cheddar Chronicles: shadows on the wall

You like movies
I like shadows.

You like interactive games
I like interactive shadows.

So why do you get all excited and jump up and down like a fool when I sit down to a nice morning of moving shadows on the wall?

Of course I know they are only shadows, just like you know that a movie is only a movie.

They aren't real. They a mere representations of reality, an interpretation involving light and form. This is immensely enjoyable to me.

So will you please put the cursed camera away and stop making a fuss. It's getting so tiresome, to say nothing of embarrassing.

Embrace your virus - you are one of the chosen

Just when you thought you were a poor virus-infested wretch, Dick comes along to say No! You're not deserving of sympathy, you are one of the chosen. And so you are - chosen to carry one of the most successful viruses on the planet. Here is Dick's call to arms.

Face it GT, no one can empathize fully with your
current state. We all tend to suppress our bad memories, which include bouts with viruses; so when you slosh into a room you are immediately perceived asover reacting, "How could it be that bad?" we ask ourselves.

You would be more likely to get sympathy from someone
who is sharing your illness, if not for the fact that they are busy self
loathing, or hating you for passing on the virus in the first
place.

It is a lonely world indeed when we are sick.Or is it?
We are having an extremely intimate relationship with millions of viral
organisms. The organisms are truely great.

They, in their simplicity, are one of the most
successful genera on the planet.I suggest you sit down with a hot toddy, and celebrate the honour of having been chosen as a vehicle to assist in the perpetuation of one of the most facinating species on our planet.

How to beat a rhino

Slacker hasn't been wrestling rhinos in Sub-Saharan Africa, but the condition she has makes it sounds that's what she's been doing. For more read here.

Words that should be banned: Gitmo

This fun-loving Disneyesque term describes the US military base at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. Gitmo is where detainees are kept. Detainees are people arrested on suspicions of terrorist activity.

Gitmo detainees are held outside the US so that activities there are not restricted to the US Constitution which states that arrested people have a right to a lawyer and cannot be held indefinitely without charge. At Gitmo, you can hold them as long as you like and never provide lawyer. At Gitmo, there are no Geneva Conventions on treatment of prisoners of war because the people held at Gitmo are not prisoners. They are detainees.

Gitmo is a term used by US military and political insiders. It is colloquial and folksy. Gitmo should not be used by media organizations such as CBC radio which recently mentioned the fun-loving term several times in a broadcast.

Yes, CBC it is fun to say Gitmo just like it's fun to say Bingo or Dumbo or Satchmo. But saying in saying the fun word Gitmo, you are getting into bed with the very fun-loving people who created and support its premise.

Let's ban Gitmo and call an undemocratic breach of US-style justice an undemocratic breach of US-style justice.

Typist's favourite headline

In the world of newspaper headlines, Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster is top gun.

This famous and now-infamous headline goes down in history as one of most attention-grabbing - to say nothing of funny - headlines ever.

It appeared in the British Tabloid The Sun (cir. 4M+) in 1986. Its object - comedian Freddie Starr - denied ever imbibing hamster, gerbil, guinea pig or vole.

The story and headline, did however, re-kindle Mr. Starr's flagging career.

This headline remains a feather in the cap of Mr. Starr's publicist Max Clifford who is probably more famous than Mr. Starr and more infamous than the headline he procured. In 2006 this headline was voted the best-ever by listeners of BBC radio.

Shriveled rosehips

Like people, berries shrivel and wrinkle with age, but the vibrant colour of this bunch shines through on a bitterly cold day. These rosehips (thanks dick) were shot in front of the IWK Hospital in Halifax.

1/100; f14; ISO 200; 50mm

L33tspeak is here to stay

Today we turn our attention to a new variant of the typed language: Leetspeak or 13375p34k, to stay true to form. We've mentioned it before but what exactly is 1337 speak (another way of typing it)?

A literal translation makes it Elite Speak, a form of written language used largely by Internet geeks in chat-rooms and in on-line games. Wikipedia says "elite" refers to superior hacking skills.

133t5p33k replaces standard letter forms with others looking vaguely similar. So you have 1 for L, 3 for E, 5 for S. Common leet codifications include the use of the letters "u r" for "you are" or leet typos such as "t3H" for "the." K3W1357 means kewlest/coolest, w4r3z (wares) is slang for pirated software.

L33t is still considered the language of the 14-year old geek, but this typist has seen the future it is L33t speak. This strange fusion of numbers, symbols and typos continues to evolve and influence the language, changing typing habits and the way the English language looks and sounds.

+h3 g1PHtEd tYPi5t5 1$ lE@rniNg l33+5P3@k = The Gifted Typist is learning Leetspeak.

Check out the L33t generator to create your own leetspeak.
(Thanks to TagBagger for tip on l33t generator.)

IMglish - Lesson 2

Here is today's crop of IMglishisms. This bunch features numbers. Numbers are often used in Leet Speak, but IMglish and l33t speak are not the same. More on that l8r.

14AA41 one for all and all for one

1-D-R I wonder

121 one to one

143 I love you

411 information

4ever forever

86 over

Favourite biography quote

Every great man nowadays has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography




-Oscar Wilde, Irish wit and playwright

A forest of frost fractals

Another frost fractal on the bedroom window, zoomed and cropped. The tiny ice crystals capture rays of early morning sun. It has the look of a moonlit line of scruffy evergreens on the crest of a hill.

(1/400, f4.5, ISO 200, 200mm)

Germ-glish debate rages

Canadians who do not like to be called American (by people who regard them as North Americans) will often turn around and cavalierly refer to Britain as Europe. This strikes the British as strange, given the Canadian language and culture is far more similar to the US than the British language and culture is to those of Europe.

The following joke sheds light on British resistance to European identity and integration.

The European Union has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than
German. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e"
in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Comfort beats vanity: a sad fashion tale

There are times when cold wins over vanity, when long down-fill coats win over sexy bomber parkas, when flat soles with sensible grips win over high-heels and leather. Read Slacker to find out how dignity gave way to sense. She wasn't pretty, but she was warm.

Human rhinovirus 16 attacks typist!

This computer model depicts the human rhinovirus 16. The infected human suffers sneezing, nasal discharge, sinus pain, sore throat and upper respiratory tract problems. That human can also experience abdominal pain, lack of sleep and lower back discomfort - all from persistent coughing (or hacking to use the vernacular.) HR16 is described by medical experts as non-lethal.

This human typist contracted this terrible condition two days ago. Given the misery it has caused, she would prefer her condition be referred to as the Human Rhinovirus 16, not the Common Cold.

Happy Valentine's Day, girls

This little parable arrived today with the wish of Happy Valentine's Day. Perhaps demographers who are concerned about population decline in western countries should take a closer look.

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"

The guy said "No."

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis
with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet
full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

Geisha's lips

Here is a shot of the bandstand in the abandoned Halifax Public Gardens. It was taken on a moody day through two prongs of the iron post fence surrounding the garden. TH said the shot reminded him of a geisha's lips. So TH, I give you Geisha's Lips on Valentine's Day.

Revenge of the PC owner

We've all got a Smug-Mac friend. You know the type: you just mention something that went wrong with your morally inferior PC and the Smug-Mac friend is straight in there with the 10 Commandments of Mac evangelism. Thou shalt not buy a PC. Thou Shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife's PC. Thou shalt profess thy love for thy Mac.

No doubt Mac computers are good - probably better than PC - but the Mac Love thing gets tiresome, as does the iPod Love and all its iLove variants. Well, here's a bit of revenge for the lowly PC underdog. The piece was written by Charlie Brooker in The Guardian. It's called I hate Macs. Here is an excerpt:

I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don't use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.

Dick doesn't heart Valentine's Day

Here is Dick's take on hearts and Valentines Day. (For the record, Dick has recently been appointed The Gifted Typist's Chief Forestry Correspondent. Congratulations Dick.)

For some reason I never developed the feeling that the
heart was a source of emotion. The typical inverted bottom (arse) shape was a symbol that immediately made me think of the images in my dads medical journals, a slimy veiny pulsing muscle.

Some cultures believe that the spirit comes from the abdomen, but I don't think they have valentines day. It would make for an interesting card, no?

I think we should be using images or, at least, symbols of
brains instead of hearts.

I heart Valentines Day - Not!